It’s time to rationalise the cars, said Linda….

... a Toppola Camper thing that just bolts on

Just how many cars do you need? Ah, there's an easy answer to this one. It's a simple formula. One for each driver, plus one. Obviously, the ‘plus one' is necessary for when one of the others doesn't start - or is being repaired. Actually it's quite easy to end up with two of the others needing repair, so you could make that ‘plus two'. And that's absolutely all you need.

Though, of course, some cars are just too special to drive every day (or too difficult to get parts in a hurry), so that might add a 96 or so…Anyway that's hers not mine. It was what she wanted for her birthday, really.

Talking of parts, you do need donor cars. It's a cost thing. What's the point in buying parts when they can sit there and seize up for free? Without one of each model that you've got so far you are just asking for trouble. Best to have at least two - if it's worn on your car what are the chances of it being worn on the donor car? As I thought - three, no more. Wouldn't want this to get out of hand. Anyway, donor cars aren't real cars are they? They don't count towards the total. And we didn't use the garden…except in summer.

Sometimes it's nice to have a car that you can lend out to friends. It's only a matter of politeness really. It is true that we do seem to have more cars than they have. Anyway it's a learning experience - you learn about what is breakable. So it's no use this being one of the cars that you have to rely on. I know it's extra, but it's only one extra.

And then you do need a camper. (Well if you thought we could afford to stay in hotels when we have all these cars to keep…) In theory you can get a Toppola Camper thing that just bolts on the back of your Classic 900, but have you ever seen one? And what happens round the corners? The website* suggests that it's ideal if you happen to be towing a horsebox at the same time. Why? We don't take a horse on holiday. We'd never get it up to the lounge from the car deck. So you do have to have a VW - just one. (Sorry about this, but Tom says it's OK.)

Don't talk to me about insurance. My insurers used to, but even they don't anymore. If I can keep track of the situation, why can't they? After all they're dealing with a much larger number of cars. Filing by name, that's the problem.

At about this stage, Linda will start to use words like ‘rationalise' and ‘necessary', not to mention ‘overdraft', which I take to be non-technical speak for ‘over-boost' or something similar. I'm not too worried about ‘rationalise': it's all set out above - how could anyone quibble with that? But I did feel vulnerable enough to look up ‘necessary' in the dictionary. It said: “desirable thing, not regarded as luxury”. Well. I'm glad that's cleared up, because I'm looking to buy a car.


* saabcentral.com/features/saab_900/misc/toppola